So it’s been a while since I’ve posted, and basically the reason for that is that I’ve had a lot of stuff going on with my mental health and otherwise with just life in general.
The biggest thing that happened since the last post was that I was referred to the crisis team after nearly making an attempt on my life. When I saw them, they told me something that really threw me: I don’t have depression, just low mood. When I heard this, I was really deflated. Were they telling me that I don’t have a problem, and that my self-destructive tendencies were an overreaction to normal stress? Thankfully no.
In actuality, they said, what I experience is something called emotional dysregulation. In normal English, that’s a fancy term for not really being able to manage emotions too well. So I can feel perfectly okay one day, then something will trigger a period of low mood. Not just feeling a bit sad, that is, but real depressive episodes as I’ve probably mentioned in previous posts.
Naturally I googled this when I got home, and pretty much the first result that came up was the NHS page for borderline personality disorder. When I opened it and had a read, something suddenly clicked. It was like the page was written about me; not just the emotional side but troubles maintaining relationships too. A couple of weeks later, I was referred to the mental health service for a BPD diagnostic assessment (and I’m still waiting for that to happen).
So, the title of this post is about recovery, and that’s basically exactly what’s happening. I’m not depressed, and knowing that is seriously helping me understand how and why my mood is fluctuating. I no longer feel like I have to be down all the time; now I feel like I’m allowed to be happy on my good days, whereas before I felt like a liar and a fraud if I smiled or laughed.
So, yeah. Niche post, and probably not particularly helpful to change the opinions of the general populace regarding mental health, but this has been a big turning point in my experience with mental health so far. In all, I’m glad I ended up at the crisis team even if I did have to go through a particularly scary time to get there. Recovery isn’t linear, as I’ve heard it said before, but hopefully that squiggly line will end up straightening itself out a bit from here.